As I stated in my previous blog, the GOALS OF PARENTING lay the foundation for you to raise a child so that they will be well-mannered, confident, reliable, caring, conscientious and a person of faith. Every parent wants this for their child(ren).
This article looks at Goal #1:
- Responsible – A key element to the foundation of a healthy life is becoming a responsible person.
Helping your child learn to be responsible is a slow process and can be a bit painful for both parent and child along the way. I say painful because a child learns to be responsible by being held accountable for themselves and their behavior, and many times parent’s own emotions get in the way of holding their child accountable for their behavior.
I’ve seen and heard many a parent say something like, “Oh, he really didn’t mean anything by it.” Or “He’s really a good kid and I hate to see him miss out on _____ by punishing him.” Or “I’ve explained to her that she isn’t to do that again and I know she was listening to me.”
These are all beautiful rationalizations by a parent who may want to teach their child to be responsible but their own emotions have gotten in the way. It may be that the parent doesn’t want to anger the child, or see the child suffer, or feel that if they hold the child responsible, they are being mean. But there are personal issues here that the parent needs to explore and understand.
Parents too often are confused about their role as a parent while at the same time they carry emotional garbage from the family of origin. They want to be a friend to their child, make the child happy or feel they need to entertain their child. Sometimes a parent can figure this out on their own by reading the right books, but often a parent needs a therapist to ask the right questions so the parent can discover the hidden issues that are negatively impacting their parenting.
I do want to mention that there are going to be exceptions to the rule; there will be times when discussing with a child their inappropriate behavior, decision, attitude, etc. will take place without repercussions. A parent must never lose their compassion and become cold and matter of fact in dealing with their child. But exceptions cannot be the norm for a child to grow into a responsible adult.
Bottom line:
Goal #1 is to hold your child responsible for their attitude, their behavior and their choices, and then allow them to live with the consequences. By doing this, your child will understand clearly that they are going to be held accountable for what they say and do, and will learn to think before they act, make wiser decisions and grow into the responsible adult your want them to be.
And remember, no one enjoys an adult who blames others for that which is the result of their own choices and behaviors. But that kind of adult ‘victim’ learned that growing up.