In my book, GRACIE BECOMES A ROCK STAR, the two children, Gracie and Caden, have a positive sibling relationship.  They first go off to play with each other, but then as the opportunity for Gracie develops to show off her singing talents, her older brother Caden goes from playmate to being her master of ceremonies, introducing her to her audience (the family) and then at the end of her performance declaring she is a “ROCK STAR”.  How do such positive sibling relationships like this develop?

Connecting with others and developing quality relationships is essential for us to feel healthy, happy and satisfied in our lives.  God created us to be in relationships.

We first learn about relationships in our family as we grow up, whether our family is good, bad or otherwise.  We cannot dismiss the impact of our early years and what we learn about life, trusting, loving, having fun, self-discipline, tolerance, differences, compassion, caring, responsibility, accountability, etc. And of course, if any of these elements are missing in our family of origin, well, the negative impact can be significant and lasting.

Sibling relationships have a special place in our lives and can become extremely important as we grow into adulthood and begin striving to develop lasting, deep and intimate relationships. Siblings who have had positive relationships are certainly better prepared for lasting adult relationships with others.  But what makes sibling relationships positive?  How are some siblings so hateful to each other while others develop strong and lasting loving bonds for a lifetime?

It starts with the basics, the parental relationship.  Children are born observers, watching and learning from everything they see and hear.  If their parents are happy and loving with each other, have fun times and also know how to resolve their conflicts in a healthy manner, then children learn positively from this.  But just as easily children will learn from and repeat the problems their parents have in the parental relationship. As a therapist, I always wanted to understand how the parents, and thus how the family as a whole, handled conflict.  It takes a bit of work for even adults to analyze and understand how conflict is managed in the parenting relationship, and what is and is not working.  But once this is clear, seeing what is and is not working for the siblings in the family is relatively easy.

So, what can a parent do to help their children develop healthy bonds with each other?  And what can a parent whose partner is either not involved, cantankerous or missing do?  Here are a few tips:

1. Find fun activities that your children enjoy doing together and make them a mainstay.  Control the family schedule so that your children have time to have positive experiences with each other and the activities that bring laughter and fun don’t get pushed aside.
2. If your kids are enjoying each other, don’t stop this positive play for the sake of homework, chores, etc. Give them a time limited (not just 5 minutes) to bring their fun time to a proper end.  I’m all for good grades and teaching kids’ responsibilities by doing chores, but positive play time is essential for developing positive, bonded relationships.
3. If your kids are fussing and fighting, separate them and assign them new activities, either solo play, chores or school work. Kids slowly learn conflict management skills and letting their disagreements escalate is not the way for them to develop these needed skills.  Explain to them how they could settle the conflict, set the ground rules for working things out, but still separate them for a while so tempers cool.  This allows the conflict to blow over and your children time to realize how much they do want to play with their sibling.
4. If a child comes to you later asking to play with the sibling, be sure it starts out on a positive; guide and direct its beginning, and state clearly the ground rules for how to work out any differences.

What is clear about raising children is that they need clear boundaries.  They need to know what is and is not acceptable; and they need the adults in their lives to be consistent in holding them to these boundaries.  This all sounds simple but I’ve found that even the best parents turn into ‘slackers’ when they are rushed, tired, caught up in their to-do lists, working on their own deadline.

I encourage parents to do all you can, as you parent and love your children, to be consistent and not let them charm you into ‘giving in’ just to make them happy.  Children must find their own happiness! Their happiness is NOT your job.   Your job is to teach them how to be well-behaved, self-disciplined, responsible people who can then find meaning in their life and find their own happiness.  I’m not saying this is easy; but I am saying it is your job and it is the truly loving thing to do!